Nameless

Do you ever run into someone you know but cannot for the life of you remember their name and you are too embarrassed to ask? Ever gone on a date with them? Well I did.  And true to my dating form it was awkward and weird as hell.

I’d been living in Maryland for a few months now and I’d talked to several people on multiple dating websites and apps (I’ve since cut back to 1 for now).  Of course with so many dogs in the fight I was bound to win a couple.  And by win I mean get a few numbers.  I talked to several but most petered out.  One of these failed conversations text me TWO months later asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. completely out of the blue.  It had been so long I’d removed him from my contacts list (if I ever had him in there in the first place).

From our last conversations (conveniently still in my phone) I realized this was the guy who was just looking for something casual and had previously only wanted to Netflix and “Chill”.  At the time I was still beating myself up heavily over my mistakes with “A” (The Almost Relationship) including my failed attempt at being okay with being one of many, so I turned him down on all fronts.  But this second time I was more open to the idea of something casual, and he clearly had changed tactics and may have even changed his mine on the idea of dating. So I agreed, after all it was just dinner and I had nothing to lose.

He told me we were going to go to this great new steak place a few towns over.  Another sign that he may have changed his mind.  When he picks me up I realized that I still don’t know his name, but now I don’t feel like I can ask. I just roll with it, and let this nameless stranger take me to dinner at this new steakhouse.  Well if not knowing his name was a bad thing, then the steakhouse choice was even worse.  He took me to Texas Roadhouse!  Now I know some of you, maybe even most of you, will tell me that it is a good restaurant and there was a time with you that I would have agreed. However, the last time I ate there I found, not 1, but THREE long dark hairs in my food.  THREE! Needless to say I was completely disgusted and never ate there again until my date with nameless.

Well the date progressed and it wasn’t to bad, except for the fact that he did not really know how to hold down a conversation and asked me the same questions over and over again.  Then it was time for the bill.  I had my card out to split the bill (because I am a modern female, I wasn’t going to pay for it because he asked me out but I’d definitely cover my share) and he insisted. We get home and he practically invites himself in, I turn him down and then never hear from him again.

That’s not exactly true.  He messaged me about 5 months later!  I did not respond. 

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Pretty Damn Smart

I have a problem.  I cannot take a compliment about my appearance. I hate it.  In fact, 99% of the time when someone tells me I’m pretty I freak out. Example: the last time a person called me pretty I completely pulled away and hid from them. Any adjective used to describe my physical appearance causes me to freak out, but “Pretty” is by far the worst.

But why is this one word so toxic for me?  Lets take a look at the dictionary definition of pretty.

adjective – attractive in a delicate way without being truly beautiful or handsome.

Well, that’s great.  By being called pretty I’m essentially being called delicate and not beautiful. This essentially my problem with the word, its like saying “you look good girl, but not like super good.”  Why would anyone want to be only kinda attractive? It’s this almost insult, hidden within a word meant to make people feel good about themselves that causes my freak outs.  It is the one word version of the Southern “Bless your heart”.  (For those of you who are not a where, if a southern says “bless your heart” there is a 50/50 it’s an insult, a big fat southern insult)

So there is one reason, but it’s certainly not the only reason.  Generally, compliments on one’s appearance are singular.  Let me explain what I mean.  I’m not saying you only get one compliment on your appearance, but that you only receive compliments on your appearance. You don’t receive recognition of your creativity, intelligence, compassion or any other part that makes you who you are. You are reduced to a single feature of yourself which is mostly genetics of which you have no control.  Growing up I never considered my appearance to be pretty or attractive or beautiful.  But I did consider myself to be smart, strong, independent, creative, and driven.  These are the things I want to be recognized for and my physical appearance has no bearing in these areas.

So there you have it.  I’d rather be called smart than pretty any day, and now you hopefully know why.

 

The Saga Continues – An “A” Story

My last blog post I talked about the unusually amazing date I had with A (The Almost Relationship & Sushi and Burgers).  Things went well for a time.  I enjoyed seeing him, and I’m still pretty sure he enjoyed seeing me. But…, and gentlemen this is a once in a lifetime opportunity so listen up,…but I am not always perfect, sane, or right and these things started to show very clearly with A.

Now that I’ve admitted I am flawed let’s take a deeper look.

I have never had a relationship but I have been on a lot of first dates.  This means my first date maturity is adult but my relationship maturity hasn’t gone through its awkward pre-teen/Junior High Crush stage. Well I was still there before A, not sure if I’m still there (I don’t think I am at least :|)  Being in that stage meant that I made all the rookie mistakes and eventually turned into the raging psycho bitch I never wanted to be.  I would get upset at little things that in hindsight were absolutely ridiculous.  I would be demanding when it was completely uncalled for.  But most importantly I heard what I wanted to hear and not what A was saying.

If I would have actually listened, I would have realized that we were not on the same page.  I heard him say he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that he was seeing other people, but my idiot brain processed that as a challenge.  Let me tell you, it was not a challenge but a statement of facts and it really fucked me up for a long time.  Longer than it should have.

I spent hours crying about it, only some of which can be blamed on the fact that I had recently started antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.  Looking back on all those hours worrying about A and why he didn’t want a relationship with me, which then made me worry about what was wrong with me and why I was 25 and still completely single, I can’t believe how many hours I wasted.

Eventually, my relationship immaturity ruined everything and it officially ended, but that’s a story for another week.

Unexpected Hiatus

Hello Dear Readers,

I’m sure you’ve noticed that there has not been a post on this blog in 4 months.  Not to worry, this will soon be remedied!  Things kinda went off the rails for me and I didn’t feeling like doing much of anything so I stopped everything that wasn’t vital to my continued existence.

Its taken a few months of slow progress for me to want to pick up the laptop and continue my blog, but I’m finally there.  I’ve started running again and working out in general (still need to find a good gym or dojo).  Things are once again looking up for me so I can continue to share my hilariously disastrous dating stories with you.  And believe me I’ve had some bad ones in the past four months.

So new post will resume every Wednesday starting this week!